What to do when you are lonely. I am a woman who married early in life and was blessed with children by the Lord. However, I lost two of my children to the cold hands of death. One died when he was two months old and the other died when he was in 3rd year at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka aged 23 years. The one that pained me most was the latter. As he lay dying on the hospital bed, he was crying, “mum help me, mum help me , mum am dying” . Of course, I couldn’t offer any help. He was lying there and crying uncontrollably. In my own way, I didn’t know what to do. I went so I outside to cry. I came back inside. He was still crying. Pain and agony of a mother concerning her son overwhelmed me. He cried like that for a whole week and then passed on. I wept and wept uncontrollably but all my weeping couldn’t turn back the hands of the clock. Just like that, he was gone. My Church, my friends, people came around to console me. Everybody did their best for me as they knew to do but nothing could reverse the loss.
After his burial, my the ordeal continued. The pressure of the loss made me feel lonely. People were there, I have other children but there was a gap that couldn’t be filled. I was walking and talking but it was as if I was floating, as if I was moving in the air. When people talk to me, I listen to them but it’s as if I am not hearing them. I seemed far away yet was there. I was here, but I was in another world. One day I almost got crushed by a vehicle because I couldn’t see yet I was seeing.
After that incident, I decided I couldn’t continue like that any more. My husband is gone, two of my kids were gone. I must be alive to love and take of the other people that God has blessed me with. I decided I will no more be worried about the past events and refused to continue allow loneliness to get its grip on me again. So I turned to God and He helped me. I still feel lonely as a widow but I am no more alone. When I am lonely, I listen to music or read my bible. And this is how I get comforted. Good people, Church people also comfort me. So also my remaining family. But God is my strength and everything is great now. I tell you, loneliness is dangerous but God is the best comforter.
Loneliness has to do with being unhappy because of feeling isolated when you are with other people. Alone (by myself), though in the company of innumerable angels, I always find a way NEVER to be lonely (unhappy, miserable). I am not a fan of the TV so I listen to music instead. I mean great music. I can play and dance to praises even while crying. I express myself well through songs/music. In those quiet moments of my life, recorded sermons play great roles too. The strange part is, I love my own company a lot. This is the truth. I can be indoors for days and be happy with myself, though there may be some tendencies to drift away in my thoughts here and there. That notwithstanding, it leads to spontaneous prayers, praises and worship of the Almighty God. As an advice, one must first and foremost enjoy one’s company before looking or seeking for outside company. People must discover what works for them as giving people one advice as solution to the different dimensions of loneliness does not work and it’s not fair.
I used to read a lot and watch movies back then and did some prayers as well . Then my husband passed and I laid on my bed empty.
Nothing interested me.
I tossed and turned and battled with depression daily. On the surface I was the go-to guy as I had the solution to everyone’s problems. I had none to mine. On Facebook I was the queen of it all but I was lonely; fidgety and depressed.
My kids loved m.
My family loved me.
My friends loved me.
I was alone.
Suicide is painless I once wrote on my wall.
I honestly was lost and wanted to end it all.
How could one be in the midst of others and be so alone???
Then I reached out for His word-THE BIBLE
Encouraged by the likes of Pastor Ovyay, I kept on going like David -I Sam 1-25(6)
Philippians 4:8 King James Version (KJV) also blessed me a lot.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things
And then my favourite
The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
I am holding onto the LORD desperately.
Some days are easier that others but HE never fails.
Though I am weak. HE is strong.
I might feel alone, fact is I am NEVER alone.
HE is with me, Ever loving, Ever faithful.
I still have lonely pangs. Yes I do.
But I haven’t allowed it to weigh me down like before.
I have moved my focus away from my pangs to HIM who has called me His own.
I have also devoted my time in helping others go through their pains and hurts.
GOD is love and if we try and look through the veil we would see it all.
A lot of people are lonely. You can be in the midst of a crowd and be lonely. You can be in a house full of people and be lonely. You can be in a marriage and be lonely.
HOW DO YOU FIX THIS?
- Be more open and accessible to people. They might think you enjoy being left alone and decide to give you the space you need.
Find and engage in things or activities that you enjoy. Something that makes you happy.
Learn to entertain yourself. Don’t wait to be entertained. Get a life of your own. Watch movies, read books. Whatever takes your mind away from the loneliness.
It might also help to let the people around you know how you feel. That way they can be of help. Maybe by talking with and interacting with you more.
Loneliness can lead to depression. To avoid this never allow people or circumstances around you determine your state of mind or joy. Choose to be happy and do things that make you happy. If talking to a particular person makes you happy, call or go to the person. If certain outdoor activities makes you happy. Do it. Above all talk to God. He’s always willing to listen, He never complains that you talk too much or that you are disturbing him. Find solace, joy, peace and companionship in the presence of the Holy Spirit.
When @ovyay called me to send a writeup to be included in this post, I wasn’t so sure if my experiences really counted. But I decided to share them anyway.
I’ve felt lonely when I’m not alone.
To name a few:
There were times when I’d be questioning my intelligence or abilities while facing challenges at work, and friends would say, ‘it’s you now, this is just a breeze for you, a whole brainy like you’. They failed to see the depth of the confusion and fears I had. Or the times when I watch time go by the set timelines for many of my personal life goals, breaking down on so many nights, and in the mornings I go about with my usual smile and no one in my close knit family can see through my happy mask.
Or the times when I manage to reach out about my fears, doubts and insecurities and family and friends cannot relate, they give me the ‘It is well, just pray to God for direction’ reply.
And the times when I reach out in tears and broken, and it seemed like God was just silent.
I slowly began to believe that I was alone with my personal struggles.
This ‘I have nobody but myself’ way of thinking birthed my fiercely independent spirit.
But, carrying all the weight by yourself can be very overwhelming, as I have discovered so I’ve learnt to deal with emotional issues like I do my work tasks, ‘delegate’.
I share my emotional burdens amongst friends and family. I’d only share with you what I feel you can help me with based on what I know are your strengths and personality. The down side is that some how this forms the persons opinion about who I am. It is why a lot of people seem to think they do not understand or know me quite well.
But hey… it works for me, it’s my coping strategy.
So I have a lot of friends, and they increase in number every other day, each with their own purpose.. Lol.
I don’t always feel like I’m alone with my thoughts these days, somehow there’s always one person that would be there depending on my need.
I am an all weather person. My kids, my husband and I are very close. We gist a lot like friends. We sometimes play music and watch my husband do the “old school moves”. We are all great dancers.
I hardly get bored but I can really be very much into myself atimes.
So! If i think I’m feeling lonely (which rarely happens) when my husband is by my side, it’s either I bother him or put a few calls across to one or two of my very few friends. Sometimes, I bother him so much that I chase him round the house until he gives in. I’m just a naturally happy person and we are a “kraizee” match. We make out time for each other a lot.
I could also play Solitaire and once I’m watching African Magic-Cable TV, boredom can never surface.
My melodious self!
I lost a daughter many years ago, it was a big shock. I felt miserable and lonely without her. I believed for quite awhile that a miracle like that of Lazarus would happen. However, after 2 weeks of crying, I told all my friends who kept coming over/calling to stop talking to me about the event. told them to talk about things that would make me laugh and happy because I needed to be strong for myself and my other kids. I got closer to God and started going out more to enable me move on with life. It was hard but I came through.
When I feel lonely and in the midst of people, I try to flow with the discussion. At times, the discussion may be boring and not what I wanted to hear but that’s life, I make an effort to blend.
At other times when loneliness comes creeping in, I also try and remember the good time I have enjoyed in life. I think of my children, I recall funny moments in the house and laugh. Depending on how lonely I am, I also play music or call a friend here and there. To be precise, I call friends I know will cheer me up. This is some of what works for me.
When I am lonely but not alone, I have two things that keeps me going-
No 1- I talk to myself. I say “……Bunmi you’re not alone in this, no matter what, God is always there to help you”.
I must confess that at times, it looks like mission impossible especially when the situation making me lonely is really bad. However, at the end, God always shows up and solves the problem(s).
No 2- Seeing my children around me serves as a solution to my loneliness. As I look at them I say “Bunmi you have to be strong and keep moving.
Bottom line is once I have that creeping feeling come up, talking to myself, to God and looking at my children, family etc does wonders for me.
Is it possible to feel lonely even though you are surrounded by people, including friends and families? Absolutely! Not only is this possible, but it is very common and it happens to all of us from time to time. You are among your very good friends and family members, and may be even your spouse, and then you feel as if nobody is there with you. People are making noise around you, but you feel as if you are the only one there.
From my own personal experience, I believe there are a couple of reasons why we might seem disconnected from our “environment of people.” The first possible explanation is that it could have spiritual undertone. Personally, when the Holy Spirit wants my attention, there is a way He disconnects me from the crowd with which I find myself in at that time. He would create in me a strong urge to just want to be alone, away from the crowd and even the company of the closest person to me.
At other times, it might not be the Holy Spirit but me going through emotional turmoils and inexplicable mood swings. This emotional state could happen at any point in time, wherein I just want to be left alone, and I become very moody and would not want to have anyone around me nor want to talk to anyone.
So, how do I deal with these two different scenarios? With the one that the Holy Spirits instigates, the solution or the action that would be taken is to go and seek for a lonely place where I can “switch” into the frequency of the Holy Spirit. He might want me to pray, or to worship Him, or to just sit down and be quiet so He could minister to me.
With the other scenario that does not involve the Holy Spirit, what I would do is to CREATE MY JOY-WORLD. What I mean by this is that, I try to do anything that could dig me out of the HORRIBLE pit of loneliness and mild depression.
How do I create this world? Very simple: I try to do ANYTHING that would give me JOY (apart from taking mind-bending drugs of course!) It could be as minute as having an Ice Cream; eat my favorite dish; play my favorite CD; watch my favorite movie (Let It Shine); take a walk or even have a chat with a very good friend of mine (name withheld). Just anything that would create a “feel-good” emotion for me.
As a widow with children, sometimes, I may be in the midst of loving and caring family and friends and still find myself been emotionally-detached from them. I find myself thinking about what is expected of me by my children, the Church and the Society at large.
In the early days, the first two years after the loss of my husband to be precise, I often felt that people didn’t understand what I was going through because in all activities I was always thinking about what my late husband’s thoughts and decisions would have been. It was as if I
was trying to live out my husband’s life.
I am an introvert, so it was easy to withdraw from people into myself.
The first wedding anniversary without my husband was very, very empty. The loneliness was so pronounced that the children felt it. How did I get through that? My mother was around, holding me and praying silently for me and of course, with a LOT of crying on my part.
Speaking frankly from my experience as a woman in the child-bearing age bracket, loneliness is felt more during the ovulation period when the desire for a mate is greatest. There is that feeling of abandonment by the world. And funny enough, this is the time that many male volunteers, old and young, will remember to call and send messages adding more to the pressure on ground.
So how did I manage these situations? The fear of God has kept at these times of added pressure.
I resisted the strange offers, stood my ground and spent more time doing what I have always loved from my primary school days, reading books to take mind off what my body was desiring.
As the years go by, the degree of loneliness decreases; and I can look back and thank God for His mercies and faithfulness.
There have been times in my life when I had this deep longing in my heart for companionship. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to pour out all of my heart, a shoulder to lean on, someone I can be 100% with. Guess what! I had people around me but for some reasons very difficult for me to comprehend, I couldn’t connect with them. Believe me, I tried so hard but it just never happened. So over time, withdrew to myself.
In my quietness, I heard this still voice saying to me, ” I am here, I have been here all this while just for you. You can talk to me, I always understand”. I needed no prophet to tell me who it was. I said, “sweet Holy Spirit, thank you so much for loving me this much”.
From that moment my relationship with the Holy Spirit came back to life. I tell Him anything and everything, its been an amazing love affair with Him.
As time went on, He taught me how to express my emotions through my passion. You see, I am so passionate about edibles and I am at my best during my moments of loneliness. My thoughts produces great ideas when am lonely because my spirit functions at a very high frequency devoid of any distraction.
My lonely moments are my most productive moments. So to a very large extent, I enjoy being lonely, especially when I have stuff to handle or produce.
I want to thank everyone who contributed to make this post a possibility. Thank you for trusting me with your stories and taking time to write what we posted this morning. I also say a big thank you to everyone who has supported me since this blog started. You are all my people. Without you this blog does not exist. I feel so honored for all the times you create to read this blog. Always remember that this blog belong to all of us.
Thank you so much.
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